The 100: I still wake up, I still see your ghost | K-11 | 6/6 | in English

[Lyra]

Fandom: the 100 (TV)
Vastuunvapaus: En omista kyseistä sarjaa, enkä saa tästä tuotoksesta rahaa
Ficin nimi: I still wake up, I still see your ghost
Kirjoitta: Lyra
Beta: a-nonbinarypidge-universe
Ikäraja: K-11
Varoitukset: -
A/N: Julkaisin tämän aiemmin jo AO3:ssa, mutta kirjoitin uudestaan enkkuhaasteen myötä.

I still wake up, I still see your ghost

Prologue

Clarke knows that Bellamy would want her to tell him. She knows how Bellamy would react to the news and what would happen after that. Bellamy would refuse to leave and the possibility of getting all the Azgeda leaders to jail for the rest of their lives would be lost. That’s why Clarke can’t tell him. Bellamy would want to do the right thing and Clarke couldn’t possibly let him do that.

It’s not like they’re really together. At least, they haven’t talked about it. Despite the fact that Bellamy has ended up sleeping over at Clarke's place more and more. They can’t go to Bellamy’s - Octavia still lives at home and despite the fact that Bellamy wouldn’t mind, Clarke can’t have sex while knowing that her best friend, and Bellamy’s little sister, is sleeping in the next room.

Clarke has two best friends: Raven and Octavia. They have known each other for ages and usually Clarke tells them absolutely everything. Not this time. Clarke can’t even consider telling Octavia - she would accidentally blurt that out to her brother. Raven wouldn't tell Bellamy but she would make Clarke tell him herself, and that is basically the same thing. So no one knows that Clarke is pregnant, no one but Clarke herself.

Since she can't tell any of her friends nor her family she has to make the decision herself. And that's easy, don’t tell Bellamy. She might end up raising her future child alone, but she can't tell Bellamy. Bellamy is all about doing the right thing. Clarke knows him. So she doesn't say a word when Bellamy calls her one last time before leaving. At the end of the phone call, there is a short silence, Bellamy breathes heavily to the phone and it almost feels like he is right next to her

"Bye Clarke. Take care", Bellamy says. No "I love you", no "I'll miss you" just "take care". And Clarke almost cries when she hangs up and puts her phone away. Bellamy will be gone for five years. By then their child will have already been born, be over 4 years old. Clarke feels bad that her child has to grow up without father, but it's better that way. She knows that being a teenage-mom will be difficult, but she will survive that. She is strong - that's what her father used to tell her, and what her mom still says.

And it's only going to be for the next five years. After a couple of months, she could tell her mom and stepdad about the child. And she would tell Raven and Octavia the second she was sure that Bellamy could not come back. It wasn’t because she didn't love him, (she did) but she wasn’t t ready to commit and she wanted Bellamy to take this job. After all, it was her dad who was dead because of the Azgeda. And if she had told Bellamy, they would be married in few months (because that was the right thing to do with a pregnant woman) and she was too young for that. Well some could say she was too young to have a child, but that was already happening.

Maybe Bellamy hadn't told her that he would miss her, but Clarke would certainly miss him. That feeling would ease over the years, but it would always be there. She still missed her father but  it didn't make her cry like it used to. This was the same thing. And unlike her father, Bellamy would come back. Hopefully.

[Lyra]

Chapter one

six years later

Clarke puts Madison into her car seat. Her kid smiles to her and that is the most beautiful thing Clarke has ever seen. She gets in and starts the car. They are going over to Raven’s to eat mexican food. It’s a weekly thing. They drink tequila and eat tacos and Madi entertains them with dance shows. Then they put Madi to sleep and talk about everything (mostly about sex, Raven’s boyfriend and sex). Sometimes Octavia joins them and then they talk about sex, Raven’s boyfriend, Octavia’s boyfriend and sex. And in the morning Madi wakes them all up at six and Clarke has to make her pancakes.

Madi loves those nights as much as Clarke. It’s Clarke only time in the week when she can feel free. At Raven’s, she is not only a mother to her awesome five-year-old, but also a woman with friends. Madi has friends of her own, but still loves her aunt-Raven and Octavia (who hates when she is called aunt). And Raven and Octavia absolutely adore her.

Clarke parks outside the apartment complex where Raven lives. Raven is already there waving and Madi starts giggling. Clarke helps her out of the car and they both hug Raven.
“Octavia said she is going to be late”, Raven informs them when they go inside and Madi calls the elevator. Raven smiles and talks with Madi when they ride the elevator to the 8th floor. Raven’s face is all joy when she opens the door and Madi runs into the apartment. Still, Clarke knows that something is wrong. Something has to be wrong. She has that feeling.

It was only going to be five years, but six have passed. Clarke hopes that he is coming back, but she knows that it’s not going to happen. Bellamy is gone. They haven’t heard from him for three years. Nobody is expecting him to come back anymore. The apartment smells like tacos and Clarke takes her shoes off because Raven hates vacuuming. Madi is already playing with the dolls that Raven has bought for her. And Raven is walking towards her with two glasses of tequila in her hands.

“For tacos”, Raven says.
“For tacos”, Clarke repeats. They both laugh and drink. Madi comes and shows her dolls that they have already seen a thousand times.
“So why is Octavia late?” Clarke asks. And then she sees it. A little shadow in Raven’s eyes before she answers.
“It’s Lincoln”, Raven says. “They are having wild sex or something.” Raven rolls her eyes. Clarke smiles and the feeling goes away for a minute.

They talk about Roan, Raven’s boyfriend, and the cute guy Clarke saw at Walmart. She got his number and has already sent him a text.
“Finn sounds like a great guy”, Raven says.
“I hope he is”, Clarke says.
“You told him about Madi yet?” Raven asks.
“Well Madi was with me”, Clarke says smiling. “I hope he doesn’t back away because of her. Of course, I want to love someone and be in a relationship, but Madi is more important and I love her more than anything.”
“Don’t you want Madi to have a father?” Raven asks and the feeling comes back. Something is wrong.

“I do, but he has to love Madi too, not just me”, Clarke says. Raven nods and then goes back to the kitchen to make them another drink. She comes back and for a minute they sit in a silence and drink. It’s not tequila this time.
“And I made that decision six years ago”, Clarke says. “Not telling Bellamy that he has a daughter.” She stops for a second.
“It’s okay”, Clarke says. ”Maybe Finn is going to be her father maybe not, we’ll see.”

“Hello bitches, I’m back!” Octavia yells when she comes in. She has her own key to Raven’s apartment just like Clarke has. The doors are always open to Raven’s.
“Watch your language”, Clarke says immediately. “Madi is here.” Octavia smiles when she comes to the living room.
“Where’s my little monkey?” she asks and Madi who has heard Octavia's voice runs to her.
“Octavia”, Madi giggles and Octavia lifts her up to her arms.

“How about my drink?” Octavia asks when she sits next to Clarke to the sofa. Clarke rolls her eyes and Raven goes to the kitchen again.
“Can I taste it?” Madi asks when Raven gets back and gives her a glass.
“It’s adults only”, Raven says.
“When am I adult?” Madi asks and looks up to Octavia.
“At the same time when you can date boys”, Octavia answers and Clarke laughs.

They make tacos and Madi basically falls asleep the second that the tacos are eaten. Clarke carries her to Raven’s bed. Her brown hair is fuzzy. She looks so much like Bellamy. It breaks Clarke’s heart. She misses him so much. But he is gone. Madi has Bellamy’s smile.

Clarke takes a second to think about Finn, the handsome young man she met in Walmart. Finn had made her laugh. The short moment talking with Finn almost made her forget Bellamy. That was a step to right direction.

“Clarke, we are waiting!” Octavia yells from the living room.
“Clarke, Octavia is drunk!” Raven shouts.
“Not drunk enough!” Octavia says. Clarke comes back laughing.
“You two are stupid”, she says. Raven hands her another drink.
“You still love us”, Raven says. They all smile. Clarke loves this. She loves her two best friends. She loves taco-days. She loves Madi.

They drink and talk. About life, sex and kids. Octavia wants one too, but Lincoln isn’t ready yet. Raven doesn’t want kids, she likes being an aunt, only an aunt. They are all happily drunk.
“I got a phone call today”, Octavia tells. Something is wrong. Something is terribly wrong. Raven is quiet. She already knows, Clarke realises.

“He’s alive”, Octavia says. No names, but Clarke already knows who they are talking about.  “And he’s back”, she continues. Clarke freezes.
“Who is back?” She still has to ask. She has to be sure.
“Bellamy”, Octavia says. “Bellamy is back.”

Bellamy really is back. He calls Clarke later that night. She almost cries when she hears his voice.
“Hi”, Bellamy says.
“Hi”, Clarke says. There is a moment of silence.
“I’m back”, he then says.
“I know”, she says.

They don’t talk much after that. Bellamy doesn’t tell her about the six years and Clarke doesn’t ask. They don’t talk about the time before he left. Clarke says that she is happy that he’s back. Bellamy says that he’s glad to be. Octavia wants to talk with Bellamy too. She yells that she loves him. Bellamy laughs at the other end of the line. Raven says that she too loves Bellamy. Clarke is quiet. She knows that Bellamy won’t expect her to say the magic words.

“Let’s talk later”, Clarke says and hangs up. Octavia has tears in her eyes and Raven smiles. Madi comes from the bedroom rubbing her eyes.
“What’s going on?” she asks.
“Bellamy is back”, Octavia says.
“It’s her brother”, Raven explains. Madi climbs into her mother’s lap.

“You have to sleep honey”, Clarke says to her daughter.
“I don’t want to sleep if you are awake”, Madi argues. Her voice is full of five-year-old’s strength.
“I know sweetie, but you need sleep more than we do”, Clarke says and kisses her little daughters forehead.

Clarke and Madi return home in the morning. Clarke is tired like always after taco night. Even though Madi is explaining in great detail about something she had seen outside, Clarke cannot concentrate on her daughter's words. Bellamy is the only thing in her mind. She has dreamed about this moment so much. Still, it doesn’t feel right. Bellamy is back, but things between them aren’t back to normal. Clarke knows the reason. She heard the voice on the other end of the phone. The voice that called Bellamy honey, a woman’s voice. Bellamy isn’t hers anymore, though he never was. She can never tell him about Madi.

***

They throw a party to welcome Bellamy back home. Clarke can’t go. She doesn’t have a babysitter, or that’s what she tells her friends. Bellamy comes with a girl. That is when Raven realises why Clarke isn’t there. Nobody else noticed.
“Hi”, Bellamy says and awkwardly shakes Raven’s hand.
“This is Echo, my girlfriend”, he says then. Raven smiles at the brunette and nods.
“Nice to meet you”, she says.
“You too. Bellamy has told me so much about you”, Echo says and Raven doesn’t know how she can hate her.

Monty and Harper are there too. After some time has passed Bellamy starts wondering why Clarke isn’t there.
He decides to ask.
“Hey where’s Clarke? ” he asks Harper as she walks over from across the room.
“I think she’s at home with her kid.”
Bellamy’s eye widen.
“She has a kid?” he asks as he mentally processes this new information. ”Isn't she a little young to have a kid?”
Raven rolls her eyes.
“How old is he?” he asks, still a little confused.
“She”, Octavia corrects him quickly “and she is five.”
Bellamy freezes.
“Who’s the father?”
“We don’t know.”

[Lyra]

Chapter two

She wants to be happy for him. She really does. After six years she thought it would be easy. He comes to see her after couple of days have passed. Madi is having a playdate with her friend and Clarke has a day off. So she’s alone when he comes and knocks on the door. Clarke lets Bellamy in. She smiles a little and they hug. It’s a short hug - like they don’t want to touch each other longer than necessary. Clarke knows that it must be as hard for him as it is for her. Last time they saw each other was over six years ago. Bellamy looks older, wiser. Clarke feels like she is kid again.

“So you have a daughter”, Bellamy says when he sits down. Clarke nods.
“Yes”, she says. They are in Clarke’s small kitchen and Clarke desperately wants to do something, rather than sitting down, doing nothing but watching Bellamy.

He looks so handsome and it almost breaks Clarke’s heart again. He looks so much like Madi. Bellamy would not miss that connection if he ever saw Madi. Clarke knows that the truth will come out someday. But this is not the day. She doesn’t want the first thing she says to Bellamy to be about Madi.

“So you have a girlfriend”, she then says and that’s not better than talking about Madi. It hurts them both and they fall into endless feeling silence.
“Yes”, he then says. “Echo.” Clarke recognizes that name.
“She’s one of them.” Her voice is judgmental. She can see that Bellamy feels hurt, like she had just said that she hates him.
“Yes”, Bellamy says.

Clarke doesn’t say “how could you” or “she is a murderer”. She knows that Bellamy knows those things. Instead there is another thing in her mind. Why her and not me? But she doesn’t say that either. She can’t do that Bellamy. There is a light pain in her heart. She told herself before she opened the door that she doesn’t want to love Bellamy anymore. That she didn’t love him anymore. She wanted to be happy for him. She wanted to be happy that he has found someone to love.

There is a pause before Clarke opens her mouth again. And all those things she wanted to say just slip away. She did love him. She still does. But Bellamy never loved her. She can’t do that to Bellamy. She can’t tell him now, because that would tear his and her world apart and nothing would ever be the same again.

“Do you want a cup of coffee?” she asks. Bellamy nods and Clarke flees from the table. She makes the coffee slow and steady. Bellamy is watching over her every move and she can’t tear apart now. She absolutely can’t.

Someone knocks on the door and Clarke hurrys to open it. Madi is already hugging her when the door opens.
“I’m sorry”, Niylah says. “She wanted to come home early and I didn’t have a heart to say no.” Clarke smiles to the older lady whose daughter is the same age with Madi.
“It’s okay”, she says and Madi hugs her tighter. “I’m home anyway.” Niylah smiles to her.
“I have to go now. Luna is waiting in the car.” They say bye and then Niylah goes back to her car where a little girl waves to them. Madi waves back before they go back inside.

“So you are home early?” Clarke asks and helps her kid out of her shoes. Madi smiles and runs to the living room. Clarke puts her shoes into their place and turns to go back to the kitchen. Bellamy is standing in the doorway.
“She has brown hair”, Bellamy says.
“Yes she does”, Clarke says and walks closer to him.
“Your hair is blonde”, Bellamy says and there is a silent moment.
“I know that”, Clarke says and she almost laughs. But there is more behind Bellamy’s words.

“Her father had dark hair”, Clarke says. “Or has, it’s not like he is dead or anything.” There is a little smile in Bellamy’s lips.
“Who’s the father?” he then asks. Clarke freezes mentally. “You” she wants to say, but she keeps her mouth shut for a second and calms herself down.
“Some dude I met at the bar”, she lies.
“Before or after?” Bellamy asks and it takes a second to Clarke to understand what he means. Before Bellamy left or after.

“Before”, she says and she can see that Bellamy dies inside. It breaks her heart into millions of pieces. She can’t watch Bellamy anymore.
“It would be better if you leave now”, she says. She can’t look him in the eyes. They look so broken, so hurt.
“Okay”, Bellamy says. His voice is so small. “It was nice to see you again. And meet Madi.”

Clarke cries only after the door has shut behind him and the car has started. Madi comes to her and asks what’s wrong and what hurts her the most is that she can’t tell that to her little girl.

After they’ve eaten lunch Madi has to take a nap and Clarke can call to her friends. She wants to tell them everything. She would love to have them over to talk, drink and hug. Normally girls have boyfriends for that. Clarke doesn’t have one so she calls Raven and Octavia.

Clarke sits down on kitchen chair. Her hair is kinda fuzzy and she looks very tired. She wonders why Bellamy didn’t say anything. Octavia is the first one to answer. She waves wildly to Clarke which makes Clarke laugh, a lot.
“Hello little one”, she says and Octavia laughs too.
“You are as little as me”, Octavia says and pretends to hit Clarke through the phone.
“Maybe or maybe not”, Clarke kind of agrees.

“I saw your brother today”, Clarke tells Octavia. Her eyes round up with surprise
“Really?” Octavia asks. She looks surprised.
“Yeah, he came to see me”, Clarke explains.
“Who came to see you?” Raven asks. She’s still at the gym but has joined the call. Clarke can see men training behind the girl.
“Bellamy”, Clarke says at the same time that Octavia says:
“My brother.”

“Oh, drama”, Raven sights. Octavia laughs.
“Shut up you two”, Clarke commands which makes them laugh even more.
“Seriously”, Octavia says. “You should tell him.” Clarke knows what they are talking about, but she has to still ask.
“Tell him about what?” Octavia rolls her eyes after the question. Like she thinks that Clarke is stupid or something. Maybe she kinda is.
“About Madi ofcourse. She is his daughter as much as yours”, Octavia says she looks so serious.
“But he left”, Raven begins. Clarke can’t take a part to this conversation. Her friends have their own sides to this and Clarke can’t really pick one. She thinks that both has good points, that they both are equally right.

“Because Clarke didn’t tell him”, Octavia tries to argue, but they have had this conversation so many times that they all know how it will end.
“I’ve only kept your secret because it’s yours, but I think Bellamy needs to know”, Octavia says to Clarke. “You know, the situation is different with Bellamy back.” Clarke feels terrible. She thinks about how it would it would feel if someone kept this information from her, kept a child from her. It would be okay up to the point where she would find out. After that, it would be living hell.

“In my opinion Bellamy doesn’t deserve that. It’s true that he left and Clarke didn’t say a thing, but think about the way he left”, Raven explains. She’s so serious. Way more serious than when they talked about this before. Octavia tries to say something, but Raven won’t let her.
“Yes Octavia he did say goodbye to you and said that he loved you. But for Clarke it was only “take care””, Raven says. Octavia sighs. Raven is right. They all know that. And usually that’s the end of the conversation.
“You are kinda right Raven”, she says. Clarke nods.
“I’m not going to tell Bellamy about Madi. Not yet”, Clarke says. “Maybe later, but now seems like a wrong time to do that.”
 
“Tell me about Echo”, Clarke requests.
“Wooo. Why do you want to know about Echo?” Raven asks.
“Yeah. Why? You just said that you have no intentions to tell Bellamy about his daughter”, Octavia says.
“Do you still like him?” Raven asks. Clarke feels like she is trapped between two fires. Of course she still likes Bellamy, but telling her two best friends that, would be the end of the world.
“Ehrm?” she tries.
“Oh my God. You do!” Octavia shouts and Clarke’s ears ring. She smiles awkwardly.

“Maybe. A little”, she then says.
“No way. No one can only like Bellamy a little”, Raven says.
“Yeah. However gross you loving my big brother would feel I still agree with Raven”, Octavia says. Clarke blushes.
“Oh c’mon”, Raven says. “We talk about this a lot six years ago.”
“You were so in love”, Octavia teases.

Clarke can’t say anything. Because they are both right. And because she still loves Bellamy. And they all know that.

“Did he ever love me?” she asks. There’s a silence. Raven and Octavia both look to the camera, like they would look each other.
“I think so”, Raven says.
“I know it was mostly after you two had had drink or two”, Octavia starts. “But I always thought that he loved you until…”
“Until what?” Clarke asks.
“Until he left.”

[Lyra]

Chapter three

Clarke starts to wonder why he did what he did. Did he think that she wouldn’t wait for him? That when he came back she would be with another guy? They weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend before he left, but they were pretty damn close.They kind of loved each other, even though they hadn’t talk about it. So if Bellamy really had loved her, why had he fallen for Echo? Why had he chosen somebody who he hated before? Why he had chosen Echo over Clarke?

Clarke looks decent. After Madi was born she could have looked awful and mommy like. She didn’t. She had okay body and lovely curves. Her hair was nice and there was nothing wrong with her face. Still, she isn’t exactly what they call beautiful.

She has seen pictures of Echo. Echo is tall and she has no curves like Clarke. Still Clarke has to admit that Echo is her own kind of beautiful.

Raven turned 25 that week. Octavia and Clarke are throwing her a party at her place because Octavia doesn’t want to clean her place before and after the party and Clarke doesn’t want people drinking in her place.

Bellamy is invited. Clarke knew that. What she didn’t know was that Echo was too. She opened the door and instead of smiling happily to Bellamy there is Echo smiling over to her.

“Hello”, Clarke says. “Nice to meet you. Come in.” Echo smiles more and there is a broken peace of Clarke’s heart that hurts her chest. Echo is that important. Bellamy never ever had girls with him when they did something together, when friends met. Not before he and Clarke started their thing. But Clarke thought she was special, because she already was his friend.

She doesn’t have to talk with Echo after that. The party is already going on and Clarke is mostly hanging with her friends. She knows almost everybody who they have invited, but there are few new faces for her. She says hi to Murphy and Emori (six years ago they were more Bellamy’s friends than her but now the situation has changed) on her way to the kitchen. Madi is there playing with two of her dolls and there are four women and one guy looking after her.

“It’s your party”, Clarke says to Raven. “Why are you sitting here?” Raven smiles. She wears a lovely red dress with little diamonds placed all over it. Clarke also has a dress. It’s dark blue, three years old and it doesn’t fit her as good as she hoped.
“I came to have a drink, but then I saw this little princess”, Raven says and smiles to Madi. Madi had her hair done when they arrived to Raven’s but now that is only a memory. She still hasn’t messed up her dress though. Zeke is standing behind Raven and has his hands on her shoulders. He is smiling too. He looks at Madi like she is his little princess too. Zeke and Raven have been together for ages - like seven years or something. But right now Zeke is living across the country because of his work and not with Raven like he used to. Zeke and Raven see each other like twice a month but they are still so madly in love.

Octavia and Harper are there too. Madi has them all tied around her little finger.
“Bellamy came”, Clarke says. “And he has Echo with him.” Her voice sounds too poisonous and she has to hold herself back. Harper looks bit confused.
“I’m sorry girl, but Echo is nice”, Raven says. “And she is with Bellamy.” Octavia nods. Clarke doesn’t continue with this topic. She doesn’t want everybody to know that she still has feeling for Bellamy.

“Are you having fun?” she asks Madi.
“Yeah”, Madi says. “Look at my dolls mommy, they’re having a part too!” Clarke smiles.
“I know I have to drive home later, but can somebody make me one drink?” she asks and Zeke turns to the table where all their alcohol is.
“Any wishes?” the man asks and Clarke shakes her head.
“No sir!” she says and they all laugh.

Clarke spends most of her night in the kitchen. At some point Octavia leaves - at the point when Lincoln arrives - and soon after that Raven says that she has to go and say hi to all her guests. Maya and Jasper come to the kitchen to say hi and Maya plays a little with Madi. Monty and Harper go to the balcony to make out for a second, but soon they get cold and Harper comes back to the kitchen.

Clarke leaves Madi in the kitchen with Harper and Maya. She wanders around Raven’s flat for a moment and says hi to so many people. Some of them she has never seen before. Nathan and Jackson are chatting and Clarke stops to talk with them.
“Clarke”, Nathan almost shouts and then they hug. They have known for almost as long as Clarke has known Octavia and Raven.
“Meet Jackson”, Nathan says and his voice sound so proud. Clarke giggles a little.
“I’ve already met him”, Clarke says. Jackson smiles at them.
“But this time he is my boyfriend”, Nathan announces in a great voice and hugs Clarke and then Jackson. He smiles. Jackson blushes.

“Sorry”, Jackson says. “He’s been drinking”, he then says.
“No problem”, Clarke says. “And I am so happy for you two.” Nathan hugs her one more time and then Clarke can continue her way to the living room.

The living room is crowded. Wells, Lexa, Costia, Luna and bunch of people Clarke doesn’t know are playing some silly drinking game. Clarke is happy that her daughter is in the kitchen and not here. It’s not like they are irresponsible, but sometimes some of them drink too much. And Madi is always safe with Clarke and safe with Clarke’s friends. She is looking around the room and then she sees it. It’s like something heavy hits her and she can’t do anything to make the pain stop.

Echo and Bellamy are kissing on the couch and Clarke has to get away. The door to Raven’s room is closed. It’s because Raven doesn’t want anybody to mess up her room as well as the other house, but Clarke knows that she can go there. Raven wouldn’t mind that. She escapes from the party people and dives into peaceful space.

Clarke looks around in Raven’s room. Raven’s presents are in a pile next to her bed. It’s nice to party sometimes, but she also likes to be alone. The party is still going wild in the next room - Clarke hopes that Madi isn’t there, but somewhere playing with her dolls - but there is a welcomed silence in Raven’s room. Clarke sighs. She thought that she could see Bellamy and Echo together, be happy for them. But she couldn’t. Clarke sits on Raven’s bed and lets her eyes shut for a second. Madi is probably still with Harper - she absolutely adores Madi - and Clarke has no reason to worry. And Raven’s friends won’t do anything bad to her daughter.

And she is going back to celebrate Raven’s birthday in any second. She just needed this moment to be alone. Clarke gets up and fixes her makeup. She looks good in the mirror. Somebody is at the door and Clarke is just turning and telling them that she is coming, but then she freezes.

“Um, hi”, Bellamy says. Clarke can’t say a word. Bellamy comes in. The look on his face is weird. Clarke knows that he’s been drinking, but not that much. So what on earth Bellamy would want from Clarke. They have already have their talk. There is nothing left what Bellamy would want to talk about to her.

The door is closed and suddenly they are alone in Raven’s room.

”I missed you”, Bellamy says. ”And I’m sorry." The words don’t have meaning to Clarke. They are empty from feelings as well as her face. Bellamy takes two steps closer to Clarke. Clarke wants to back away, but she doesn’t. She lets Bellamy come close. He isn't looking straight into her eyes. There is something strange in his eyes. Something Clarke hasn’t seen before when he looks at her. Then he takes the last steps between them.

Bellamy is too close. Clarke’s brain is yelling hallelujah and help at the same time. She definitely knows where this is heading. She can feel Bellamy’s warm breath on her lips and his hands on her hips.

No. Bellamy would not do that. He has a girlfriend and Bellamy is not that kind of person, person who runs kissing other girls while one is waiting at home.

Then suddenly, he kisses her. Or she kisses him. Afterwards, Clarke can’t tell who kissed who. She falls into the kiss and feels the warmth inside her. It makes her smile and kiss Bellamy even more. She has waited for this so long. She can’t remember the last time they kissed like this. Long missed feelings come back and Clarke feels whole. She is not bits and pieces anymore, she is a whole person, a  person who is capable of loving and being loved. She kisses him back with so many feelings and she melts to his lips.

Then it hits her. This is so wrong,there’s a voice yelling inside her head. This needs to stop. She backs away from Bellamy. Fast, faster than she thought that she could. Her hand is on its way sooner than Clarke can really think about it.

Bellamy looks confused. He looks like a little puppy who doesn’t know what he did wrong and at the same time knows exactly what’s going on.

Then Clarke’s hand meet his cheek. It’s not just a little slap. Bellamy shocks and takes couple steps back. It must hurt, a lot. His cheek become red and for a second Clarke can see her own handprint on it.

”You can’t do that”, she says. ”You just can’t kiss me with all this going around us.” She sounds angry, maybe she is angry. Bellamy doesn’t say a word.

”You can’t say “I’m sorry” and then kiss me and think that everything is fine now. You can’t. Just minutes ago you were kissing Echo and now this.” Clarke takes a deep breath and then continues: “I guess you thought that I would forget everything and happily watch you and Echo, if you just apologize and kiss me.. Well guess what. As much I enjoyed our kiss, you can’t think that everything is okay now." Clarke is heavily breathing and Bellamy is quiet. Clarke is not sure if anything she just said made sense.

“I’m so sorry”, Bellamy says. “I don’t know why I did it.” And that’s even worse.

“Oh, here you are. I’ve been looking all over for you guys”, Octavia says when she slams the door open. “Raven is ‘bout to blow off the candles and Madi needs her mother.” Clarke thanks Octavia in her mind. She doesn’t want to be in the same room with Bellamy anymore. So she escapes to the kitchen and lets Madi explain her something really meaningless and sings “Happy birthday” with everyone else to Raven. She eats one piece of cake and despite it being very late she lets Madi stay up and eat another piece of cake.

Clarke can’t not think about Bellamy, but she tries her best to avoid the subject. People start to leave around midnight. Some of them are going to the bar, but Madi and Clarke are going home.
“We’ll see you tomorrow”, Clarke says to Raven in the kitchen. Madi is still eating her second piece of cake.
“Yeah”, Raven says. “I really need your help cleaning all this.” Clarke laughs.
“I guess that Octavia isn’t coming to help”, she says.
“Oh she will, but she will probably just play with Madi”, Raven says.
“Madi we are leaving”, Clarke says and the little girls jumps off her chair.
“Thank you for the cake aunt-Raven”, Madi says and hugs Raven. “And happy birthday!” Raven hugs her back, smiling.

“Happy birthday from me too”, Clarke says. “You know where your present is.” They hug one more time. And then Clarke and Madi go to the hall.
“Put your jacket on”, Clarke tells Madi and goes to Octavia to say bye. When she comes back, Madi isn’t alone anymore.

“We need to talk”, Bellamy says. Clarke search for her own jacket and puts her purse on the chair.
“No we don’t”, Clarke says.
“We can’t just leave things like this. We kissed, Clarke”, Bellamy says. Clarke doesn’t want to do this. Not now, not ever. She can still feel Bellamy’s lips on hers.

“We just talked about this”, Clarke says. Completely ignoring the fact that she was the one doing all the talking few hours ago. “You have Echo now and I have Madi”, Clarke continues.
“Madi isn’t the same thing”, Bellamy says, but won’t disagree with the Echo thing.
“So? You can’t just kiss me. You are with Echo”, Clarke says and looks right into Bellamy’s eyes. Then she turns to the door where Madi is already waiting.
“Let’s go sweetie”, Clarke says to her daughter and Madi runs outside. Clarke takes their stuff and is about to follow the little girl when Bellamy calls her.

“But you kissed me back”, Bellamy says. Clarke freezes at the door.

[Lyra]

Chapter four

Clarke really doesn’t think that she has too little friends. But when Raven is out of the town to see Zeke and Octavia is having a long romantic weekend with Lincoln, Clarke really doesn’t have anybody to call. Of course, there is Emori and Harper and Maya and all those other people Clarke usually calls her friends, but today is not the day. They are that kind of friends you see like once a week and talk, usually in some kind of bar or party, but not in the middle of Thursday when you just want to eat healthy and relax.

Madi is out again. Niylah had her over, Luna and Madi are great friends. Clarke smiles a little when she thinks about her little kid and then starts making coffee. She hated coffee before Madi. Her girl has changed a lot of things for her.

It’s been six weeks since Raven’s party. Six weeks since Bellamy kissed her and six weeks since she kissed him back. She still can’t get over it. She is angry with Bellamy. She is angry with herself. She is angry because of Echo.

She wonders what would have happened if she had told Bellamy that she was pregnant. There would be no Echo. They would be one loving family. She would not be sitting alone in the kitchen thinking how angry she is with Bellamy.

But if she had told Bellamy, the mission to take Azgeda down would have failed. She had been following the news. Bellamy had been perfect. They were all in jail now and Bellamy had been promoted. Bellamy really needed that money. He wasn’t exactly poor, but he had raised Octavia all on his own and they really didn’t have any extra money. Octavia’s a personal trainer same as Lincoln and they were doing well. Bellamy still had his student loans to pay. (Octavia never went to college so she didn’t have to pay and Clarke didn’t have any problems with money, but had dropped school eventually because of Madi) And Bellamy really didn’t make enough money for just being a basic police officer.

Clarke had a kind-of-job too. She taught art for seniors and stuff like that. It didn’t pay well but it was fun. And yeah she was basically living off her mother's money. (They have had few fights about it) But that was ending soon. Madi was going to kindergarten and Clarke had already been promised a real job in a local museum.

So basically she is angry with current Bellamy and that is because of Bellamy and not because she didn’t tell him that she was pregnant.

Clarke relaxes and drinks that cup of coffee. Then she eats the salad from the fridge. And then she doesn’t have anything to do, again. She could call someone and go out, but she is really not in a mood for that. Then her phone rings. Raven it says. Clarke picks it up and smiles while answering.

“Hello darling”, Raven says and she sounds so happy. She looks so happy. She is in the airport and waving to Clarke.
“So you are there?” Clarke asks. She had driven Raven to the airport in the morning and then dropped Madi to Niylah’s.
“Yeah. Just landed”, Raven says. “Zeke promised to come to get me, but just texted that he’s running a little bit late.” She walks and the picture is not steady.
“So what are you going to do while waiting?” Clarke asks and pours herself another cup of coffee.
“I have no idea”, Raven says. “That’s why I called you!” Clarke laughs.

“I’m terrible company right now”, she then says. “I haven’t done anything interesting in whole day.”
“I’ve only been it that stupid airplane”, Raven tells, but that Clarke already knew. She drinks a little bit of coffee and then smiles to Raven who is currently waiting for her luggage to arrive.
“You should call Harper and go out”, Raven suggests but Clarke shakes her head.
“I’m so not in a mood for real socializing”, she says.

“I have to pick Madi up in two hours and then we can go to the park and later watch some stupid kids movie and then I can put her to sleep”, Clarke tells Raven.
“You sound like a boring mother who only lives for her kid”, Raven laughs and takes her bag from the belt.
“I am a boring mother who only lives for her kid”, Clarke insists.
“No you’re not”, Raven says.
“You’re probably right”, Clarke says and they both laugh.

“Have you called that Finn guy?” Raven then asks.
“Umm”, Clarke says. She has completely forget Finn. How could she think some other guy when Bellamy and the fucking kiss was on her mind all the time?
“No?” she tries. “I actually have to tell you something.” It has been too long. She should have told Raven the second it happened.
“Yeah?” Raven asks. “What?”

“I feel so stupid about it and I probably shouldn’t have done it”, Clarke confesses.
“Tell me already”, Raven says. “It can’t be that bad!”
“Remember your birthday party?” Clarke then says.
“Oh gosh, that was over six weeks ago!” Raven shouts.
“Yeah, I know”, Clarke says.
“When I went missing and Octavia came looking for me and me and Bellamy were in your room”, she starts. Raven look straight to her.
“He kind of kissed me”, Clarke says carefully.

“What?” Raven yells. People around her turn to look at her.
“What?” she then asks in a much lower voice.
“Yeah”, Clarke says.
“And I kind of kissed him back”, Clarke continues.

“Okay, okay”, Raven says. “Say that again.” Clarke sights.
“He kissed me. And I kissed him back. And we fought. And I really haven’t talked to him since then.” It’s all out now. Clarke feels like she can breathe normally again.
“You know he is with Echo?” Raven asks. Clarke nods.
“And that kissing you is counted as cheating?” Clarke nods again.

“This is mess”, Clarke says.
“We so have to talk about this later”, Raven says. “But most important things first. Do you still like him?” Clarke has to think about that for a minute. Raven exits the airport and is waving to somebody - probably Zeke.
“I guess I do”, she then says. Raven smiles to her a little.
“You have to talk with Bellamy too then”, Raven informs. Clarke can already hear Zeke’s voice calling for Raven.
“I know”, Clarke says. “I’m so not looking forward for that.” Raven laughs.

“But remember. Talking only. No kissing. You would not want to be cheated on so think about Echo”, Raven informs her. Clarke nods.
“It’s not like I’m going to run back to him after all this. I still like him, but that is all”, Clarke says.
“Hello Clarke”, Zeke’s voice says.
“Hi”, Clarke greets him.
“I’m going to steal my girl now”, Zeke says and Clarke laughs.
“Go ahead! Talk you later sweetie”, she says to Raven.
“I love you”, Raven says.
“Love you too.” Clarke hangs up.

Clarke picks up her daughter later and Madi is feeling little sick. They decide to order some pizza and watch two movies and Madi calls her the best mom ever. Clarke smiles.

Madi is getting sicker through the friday and when the evening comes, Clarke is almost dead with worry. Madi has never ever been this sick. She knows that there’s not much to do. She gives her medicine and lots of water to drink and makes chicken soup. But she has to talk to someone. Calling her own mother is not a thing. She used to do that when Madi was like one and two. But she has to survive this without help. That’s what mothers do and she doesn’t want to be a bad one.

She still wants to talk with someone. Madi is sleeping, but Clarke can’t leave the room in case something happens. Octavia is out and so is Raven. And she hates to admit, but the only person who can make her feel better and will understand all this, is Bellamy. Before she can actually call him, she wonders what would be the worst thing that could happen. Echo answering the phone? No. She only wants to talk, there is nothing more in it. Echo would not be bad. Bellamy saying that he doesn’t want to talk with her? Yes. That would hurt. But she would understand why. Bellamy not picking up? Bellamy could be doing millions of things and not purposely not-answering her.

She makes the call.
“Bellamy”, man’s voice says at the other end of the line. He doesn’t know who she is.
“Hi”, Clarke says.
“Clarke.” He sounds surprised. “Sorry. I had new phone and the contacts didn’t transfer.”
“Yeah”, Clarke says. She doesn’t know what to say.
“This is stupid”, she says after a long pause. “I shouldn’t have call you.” She is about to end the call, but then she hears Bellamy’s voice again.

“Princess? Is everything okay?” His voice is dark. Clarke almost cries when he calls her princess. She used to hate that. But later, he called her his princess. That was before he left.
“Madi’s sick”, Clarke says.
“Shit”, Bellamy says. “Is it bad?”
“She is sleeping now, but I was so worried. Still am”, Clarke tells. Clarke realises that she sounds really tired.

“Do you need anything?” Bellamy asks. “Or Madi?” Clarke kind of wants to say that they are okay, but she was worried and she doesn’t think that she can sleep for the rest of the night. It’s almost eleven and Clarke starts to wonder why Bellamy picked up so fast.

And she doesn’t want to be alone.
“Can you come here?” she asks and her voice is so fragile.
“Of course, princess”, Bellamy says. “I’ll be there in ten.” He ends the call. Clarke sits next to her little girl's bed and watches over sleeping Madi. She looks so small. When some time has passed, Clarke realises she has to get up and make her look more decent. She makes it to the living room then Bellamy knocks on the door. Clarke hurrys to open it.

“Hi”, Clarke says. Bellamy doesn’t say a thing but he hugs her. Clarke didn’t realise, but that was the exact thing she needed. Bellamy closes the door behind him and Clarke starts to cry.
“It’s okay”, Bellamy whispers and hugs her tighter. He walks her to the sofa and they sit down. Clarke can’t quit crying.
“This is so stupid”, she says. Bellamy hugs her again and plays with her hair.
“It’s okay to cry you know”, Bellamy says.

“Yeah, but crying because Madi is sick”, Clarke tries to explain.
“It’s normal. You are a mother now. And you love her very much”, Bellamy says. They are quiet for a couple of minutes. Clarke tries her best to stop crying.
“I’m sorry I called you”, Clarke says. “Probably ruined your whole evening.” Bellamy smiles to her.
“I was doing nothing, so you ruined nothing”, he says.
“Really? I thought-”, Clarke starts but stops in the middle of the sentence. She’s not sure if Bellamy wants to hear what she thought.

Bellamy is just about to say something when Clarke hears Madi’s voice.
“Mom?” she calls for her.
“I’m right here honey”, Clarke says and gets up. She almost runs to the Madi’s bedroom. Madi is sitting in her bed. Her hair is fuzzy and face is red.
“I’m thirsty”, Madi says. Clarke feels her forehead.
“The fever is kicking in again. I’m going to bring you some water and little more medicine”, she says. Clarke goes back to the kitchen and Bellamy is already there, filling a cup with water.

“I wanted to help you”, he says and hands the cup to Clarke. Clarke smiles to him.
“Thank you so much.” And it’s not for just handing the cup. Bellamy smiles. Clarke takes the medicine from the table.
“Go back to your kid”, he says. “I’ll wait for you.” And Clarke goes back to Madi.

Madi drinks all the water but doesn’t ask Clarke to get her another. She takes her medicine without saying a word. Sometimes Clarke is so happy that she has such a good kid. When she was little her mother and her had so many fights about taking her medicine.

Madi goes back to sleep and Clarke plays with her hair. They are both tired. But now Clarke knows that her kid will be alright. She smiles to her and hums a little. Clarke sucks at singing, but Madi still tells her that she loves her voice.
“Mom?” she asks. She has almost fallen to sleep.
“Yeah?” Clarke says.
“Who’s that man you were talking to?” Madi asks. “Is it dad?” Madi has never asked Clarke about her dad. She had so many people around her all the time. Clarke was happy that her child could be happy without father. But now, when Madi is sick and asking about her dad, Clarke can’t lie.

“Yes dear. It’s your dad”, she says, but Madi is already sleeping.

Clarke goes back to Bellamy and they drink coffee and talk. Not about Madi or about those six years he was gone. They don’t talk about Echo either. But they do talk about everything else on their minds. Clarke smiles and laughs and at some point she realises that she is no longer angry with Bellamy. And that’s bad, but even worse is when she asks him to spend the night. On the sofa of course, but Bellamy says yes and Clarke feels way too good about that.

“Good night, princess”, he says and hugs her one more time. And in that moment Clarke realises that she is still in love with Bellamy.

[Lyra]

Chapter five

“Echo left me.” Clarke doesn’t know how to react. They are sitting in her kitchen. Bellamy invited himself to come over. He is a little drunk, but only a little. Clarke is drinking coffee, Bellamy’s drinking something with alcohol in it.
“I’m really not surprised”, he then continues. “She said that I never truly loved her. But I kind of knew that already. I just didn’t know how to put an end to our thing.” He calls their relationship a thing.
“So I’m a free man now”, Bellamy says. It feels so wrong. Being happy after Bellamy’s breakup. Bellamy seems to be okay. He is not dwelling in sadness. They don’t talk much after that.

Bellamy sleeps in her couch again. Clarke knows that she can’t make a move now. It’s too soon. But she wants to tell Bellamy that she loves him. She hopes that he still loves her. He did kiss her, but that was weeks ago. In the morning Bellamy goes back to his place. He hugs her at the door, but that’s it.

She doesn’t want to be alone. Madi is with Clarke’s mother and stepfather. So she calls Raven and Octavia. They come together in Raven’s car.
“Bellamy said he spent the night here”, is the first thing Octavia says to Clarke.
“You have to tell us everything!” Raven commands. They brought alcohol and Raven makes them drinks. Then they sit around the kitchen table.

Clarke starts from Raven’s birthday. She tells Octavia about the kiss - Raven already knew.
“Oh, so that’s what you were doing there!” Octavia says.
“You don’t think it’s weird that I’m in love with your brother?” Clarke asks and only after that realises what she has just said.
“You’re in love with him?!” Raven shouts.
“This is so amazing”, Octavia says. Clarke drinks her glass empty. Octavia makes her another drink.
“Yeah, I think I’m in love with him”, Clarke admits.
“And it’s not weird”, Octavia says when she sits to her chair again.

“Now, tell us more!” she demands. Clarke smiles. The alcohol is kicking in and she is feeling good.
“We fought”, she tells. “About Echo. And Bellamy kissing me while being with Echo. I didn’t see him for over six weeks and then Madi got sick.” Clarke thinks about that night. She thinks about the hugs and the moment she realised that she was still in love with Bellamy. She tells her friends how she called Bellamy and how Bellamy came over. She tells them about the hugs and the conversations in the kitchen.

“And I told Madi that Bellamy is her father”, Clarke says. “Or not really. She asked if the man I was talking with was her dad and I said yes. And I’m not sure if she remembers it, because there is a big chance that she was already sleeping.” Clarke stops to breathe. Then she tells everything there is to tell.

“That’s big, Clarke”, Raven says.
“We are proud of you”, Octavia says.
“But there is something else you have to do”, Raven says. Clarke knows exactly what they are talking about.
“No, no, no”, she says. “I can’t.”
“Yes, you can!” Raven says. “And you can’t say no. You are doing this anyway!” Clarke is shaking her head.

“Clarke, you have to call him and tell him about your feelings”, Octavia says.
“Like he said, he is a free man now. There is no Echo between you two”, Raven says.
“You two can finally be happy”, Octavia says.
“But-”, Clarke starts.
“No buts”, Raven says.
“Call him”, Octavia says handing the phone over to Clarke. Clarke sighs. She takes the phone from Octavia’s hands. Bellamy’s name is already on the screen. Clarke presses it before she can think it too much. She puts the phone on her ear counting on her mind.

One.

What if he doesn’t answer?

Two.

What if he does?

Three.

What is she supposed to say?

Four.

She can’t say she loves him.

Five.

Or can she?

Bellamy answers the phone. Clarke freezes for a second.
“Are you there?” Bellamy asks.

“Hi”, she says finally.
“I literally just left few hours ago”, Bellamy laughs to the phone. “Miss me already?”
“Kind of”, Clarke says. She is smiling. “I just wanted to tell you something.” Octavia and Raven are watching her over the table. They can hear her every word. Raven has a big smile on her lips and Octavia is cheering. Raven has to hit her to make her quiet. Clarke smiles at them.
“What did you want to tell me?” Bellamy asks. Clarke had almost forgotten him.
“Um, that I-”, she starts. She can see in the Raven’s face that if she doesn’t do this, Raven will.
“IthinkIamstillinlovewithyou”, she says in one breath.

“What?” Bellamy laughs.
“I love you”, Clarke says. Bellamy is quiet. Clarke turns back to her friends. She looks devastated.
“Oh baby”, Raven mouths her. Clarke is so ready to hang up and cry but then she hears Bellamy’s voice one more time.

“I love you too, princess.” And that makes Clarke cry. She drops the phone to the table and the tears just fall of her eyes and she really can’t stop. Raven takes the phone from the table.
“Oh yes, she is okay”, she says to Bellamy. “Crying but okay.” Clarke can’t concentrate on Raven’s words anymore. She cries. She feels so good. She never really thought Bellamy would say that back to her. It means so much to her. She hadn’t realised that Bellamy saying I love you would be that important to her. But it was. And now it all kind of make sense to her. Why she hadn’t told Bellamy about Madi. Why she hadn’t really dated in the past six years. She had waited for Bellamy to say those words to her.

“It would be great”, Raven says to the phone and hangs up. Some tears are still in Clarkes eyes.
“What is great?” she sobs. Octavia is already cleaning the kitchen.
“Bellamy is coming over”, Raven says.
“Why?” Clarke croaks. Her voice sounds terrible when she has been crying.
“To see you, idiot”, Octavia says to her and smiles. “He loves you.”
“I heard”, Clarke says.
“Then why are you crying?” Octavia asks. “That is a good thing, right?”
“It is”, Clarke confirms. “Too good to be true.”
“Well, it’s true”; Raven says. She gets up and hugs her best friend.

“And we”, she says and takes Octavia from the hand “are leaving now.” Octavia doesn’t argue with that. She too hugs Clarke.
“We love you”, Octavia says. “Good luck with my brother.” Then she leaves and it’s only Raven and Clarke in the kitchen.
“Don’t stress, honey”, Raven says. “It will be fine.” She smiles to Clarke and it’s kind of relaxing.
“I’m trying my best not to”, Clarke answers. Raven hugs her one more time and then she leaves Clarke alone.

Clarke doesn’t know when exactly Bellamy is coming. Her friends didn’t tell her that. So when he finally knocks on her door she is already crazy from waiting. Clarke gets up from the kitchen chair to go to open the door. And there Bellamy is. His black hair is a mess and brown eyes look so - and Clarke can’t just watch him anymore. She jumps to hug him and then without thinking presses her lips to his.

Kissing him feels so good. Like something was finally right in her life. He kisses her back and puts his hands to her hips, pulling her closer.
“I missed this so much”, Bellamy says. “I missed you so much.” Clarke kisses him again. This time deeper and longer, like she was dying.
“We should go inside”, Bellamy whispers. Clarke backs to the living room, trying her best not to jump to Bellamy’s lap again. That doesn’t go well. And then they kiss again. And when they reach the point where kissing is not enough anymore Bellamy pulls back.

He gently pushes Clarke sitting on the sofa and sits next to her.
“We need to talk first”, he says.
“About those six years”, Clarke says. “Yeah I know.”
“Echo and stuff”, Bellamy continues. Clarke knows that stuff is Madi and Madi’s father.
“Yeah.”

“I want you to be my girlfriend”, Bellamy says and Clarke would have freezed if she wasn’t thinking the exact same thing at the moment.
“And I hope that you can forget the Echo thing. And I really don’t care who’s Madi’s father as long as from now on you’ll be mine”, Bellamy says. It’s so beautiful that Clarke almost cries again. She smiles and probably there’s tears in her eyes.

“I know that it’s not going to happen overnight, but I hope you give me time. Give us time”, Bellamy says. Clarke nods. They have to be reasonable adults. They just can’t jump into a relationship after those six years without each other. Clarke knows that they should take it slow. But instead, she kisses him. And Bellamy kisses him back. After one, or ten, good kisses Clarke pulls back.

“I know we still have a lot of talking to do, but I have always loved you”, Clarke says. That’s the first thing to say.
“I have loved you too. And I still do, princess”, Bellamy says. There is a silence between them after that. They just look each other in the eyes and smile. Clarke wants to kiss him again so badly, but enjoys this almost as much. Bellamy is here. Bellamy is hers. Finally. So Clarke kisses him, but Bellamy pulls back.

“I just want to say this one more thing first”, he says. Of course he wants to talk so much before jumping into anything. But Clarke smiles and holds his hand.
“What do you want to say?”
“We can be a family”, Bellamy says. His voice is full of love. “I can love Madi as my own.”
“Well that’s not going to be very hard”, Clarke says. She really should have told him before. But here we go.
“Why?” Bellamy asks.
“Because she is yours.”