Author: jennimur
Character: Jacob
Rating: S
Fandom: Twilight
Genre: angst, one-shot
Disclaimer: I do not own Jacob in any way, nor the song. All the glory and fame where it belongs please, I'm just having some fun.
(En omista Jacobia tai laulua, jota tässä on käytetty pohjana)
A/N: Anteeksi, en jaksa vääntää englantia enää tähän väliin. Elikkä siis ~850 sanainen ficinpoikanen angstisesta Jacobista englanniksi. Virheistä saa ja pitää ilmoittaa, kommenteista olisin tietysti erittäin tyytyväinen. Osallistuu Yhtyeen tuotanto -haasteeseen Billy Talentin kappaleella
The Ex.
I Would Give My Life To HerHunting. That was the one thing that I
had to do. And drinking of course, a basic need, but it was almost the same so I didn't count it. There were only few things really necessary for wolves. Suddenly something that had felt like a huge, crushing mass on my shoulders at first, changed. It was a blessing. Something I could really be grateful for.
I had no idea where I was heading and I didn't actually mind, even though the human in my head kept reminding not to go too far to the north. The last thing I wanted was to ran into a vampire family which happened to be the one holding grudge for us. Werewolves. In a way it was a tempting thought, to see how long I'd be able to defend myself. But that if something would have made the leeches in Forks happy. The pack would be weaker. Out of question, so it seemed. What a shame.
I had promised to myself and in a way to others, to the pack, that I'd be there to fight. When the bloodsuckers would break the treaty... Oh hell yes I would be there. I ran a bit faster to make the pain vanish. It wasn't easy, but it was easier like this. To stay away, to keep it to myself as much as possible. The connection between the minds of the members of the pack was helpful in a fight but now it bugged me. A lot. No privacy, there was always someone sharing my thoughts. I should learn to control it.
The hardest part of not-thinking was definitely the thoughts that came into my mind without asking. It would have been a lot easier to focus on being a wolf and let the instants take control, but there was always, always someone who thought about something that made me think about something and my peace was gone. If you let one in, the others will follow. And I hated it in every single way. To think, to let the thoughts come in. The pictures, memories, every single little thing I ran away from. Brilliant, absolutely fucking brilliant.
Once I even thought about running to Asia. It would be difficult without being a human along the way, but not impossible. A tempting thought, too. But what difference would it make? I'd be further away when someone would come with the news. News. Bad news. How would it be? A car accident? Something like that. Something that could be happening to any family, something that could have happened to her before the bloodsuckers. Before me. 'Cause I'd never let that happen.
But of course it would be just the same to Charlie. He didn't know. Oh, damn it. Distracted again. 'Course the thoughts were stick, I wanted them to disappear and often the rule of life made that impossible. Harder you try, harder you fall. And I was falling always harder and harder. I just wondered when something would really snap in my head. In some twisted, masochistic way I was waiting for it. A snap that would make all this go away and me insane.
Something even more difficult to handle than thoughts was memories. Pictures that were obviously burned to my eyes. Pictures about Bel—her, mostly. The look in her face when she came to me the first time the leech had left her. She after the stupid and suicidal jump. And Bella, my Bella after the bloodsucker came back. Her eyes, full of joy. The color in her face. Everything exactly how it was supposed to be, though still so wrong it didn't even made any sense. All the things I made, I was able to bring back.. he just came and took all the credit. And Bella, how could she? She ran to him after everything he made her go through. And what did I get? Few memories like knives on my back. But I couldn't be mad at her. So, all my rage was pretty much directed to the leech.
Thinking about her, using her name in my thoughts made my black-and-white world shiver. Look like a painting with water poured onto it. Everything stretching and soon making no sense. Where's the ground, where's the sky? Didn't know, didn't really care. I had my other senses to avoid trees and rocks.
But for me, the human in me, it was like a bullet through my body. Like a dozen knives stabbed on my back. I took the pain as a punishment. I let my thoughts wander too far away. I shouldn't have, I knew it would be like this. I couldn't understand myself. In a way I wanted to be mad at her. It would be easier if I could just hate her but no, I had to love her and there was no way out. Because I knew I would give my life for her. A million times, again and again and still do it eagerly. Only for her safety. It was clear that I was doomed but in my black-and-white world it didn't make a huge difference.
